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The opinions expressed herein are my own personal opinions and do not represent
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© Copyright 2005-2008 me-nikk
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 Monday, July 14, 2008 Saturday, June 28, 2008 Tuesday, June 24, 2008
Waiting For My Real Life To Begin Lyrics by Colin Hay Band
Any minute now, my ship is coming in
I'll keep checking the horizon
I'll stand on the bow, feel the waves come crashing
Come crashing down, down, down, on me
And you say, be still my love
Open up your heart
Let the light shine in
But don't you understand
I already have a plan
I'm waiting for my real life to begin
When I awoke today, suddenly nothing happened
But in my dreams, I slew the dragon
And down this beaten path, and up this cobbled lane
I'm walking in my old footsteps, once again
And you say, just be here now
Forget about the past, your mask is wearing thin
Let me throw one more dice
I know that I can win
I'm waiting for my real life to begin
Any minute now, my ship is coming in
I’ll keep checking the horizon
And I'll check my machine, there's sure to be that call
It's gonna happen soon, soon, soon
It's just that times are lean
And you say, be still my love
Open up your heart, let the light shine in
Don't you understand
I already have a plan
I'm waiting for my real life to begin
Friday, June 20, 2008
So yesterday I had three gold fish in a tank. One big blackie and two smaller...
I really like goldfish. I want to paint them some day maybe. Not the actual fish, but pictures of them.
And today, I looked in the tank... and now I only have two.
Where did the other fish go?
I just don't understand.
I keep going back and counting... one, two.
And it stops there.
Where's number three?
I'm going to go count again...
Monday, June 09, 2008
OK...
So tomorrow is a VERY BIG day for John and I. VERY BIG!
And will be a deciding factor on many decisions that will affect our near future.
As the saying goes, “I get by with a little help from my friends.” Well friends, I need you now…
I don't have time to get into the details of what's happening because I need to go bust my own move to make this happen, but I ask all of you out there who read this to please say a little prayer, put out good intentions, and bring on the awesome BIG energy focused towards us.
I believe in miracles.
I believe that focused energy and prayer can change the world, even small parts like our own little circle here.
So please... just take a moment and join in with us.
It will be hugely appreciated. HUGELY!
Thank you.
I love you!
Friday, May 16, 2008
Yesterday was my birthday. YAY ME!!! And I have to say, it was one of the best birthday's I've ever had. I have a history of disappointing birthdays, so yesterday really just meant the world to me. You see... I LOVE my birthday. L.O.V.E. love. Maybe I'm just totally self absorbed, whatever, but I absolutely love my birthday. I do. me, me, me... I love birthdays in general because I love to celebrate people. If I could just go around and spend my life hoping from one birthday to another celebrating people, I would live a life fulfilled. Filled over really.
Unfortunately though, my birthday's rarely meet my expectations. Now there's my first problem. Expectations are just disappointments waiting to happen. Not only do they not meet my expectations, but have been undoubtedly filled with huge emptiness and disappointment time and time again.
I believe that it started back in third grade when I joined the girl scouts. You see, every freaking year... on my birthday... we would go camping. Now I grew to love camping, (jungle breakfast are the very best) but the problem was that the first three years as a brownie, it would always be a mother-daughter camping weekend. Mother...daughter. Well that's where the problem started. Every year I would call my mother and plead with her to go camping with me. It was my birthday AND it was a MOTHER/DAUGHTER event. And I mean REALLY, birth is a mother/daughter sort of event... THIS IS PERFECT! God only knows how much I looked up to and worshipped my mother. I was filled with pride at the possibilities of showing my very small world that I did INDEED have a mother, and LOOK AT HOW WONDERFUL SHE IS!
Every year she declined and made some excuse as to why she could not show up to represent me as my own mother, and I her daughter. Let me just try to put the picture in your mind of how low I felt having to have to "share" someone else’s mother because my own didn't feel as though I was worthy enough to spend my own birthday with. It felt awful. I was rejected by my own mother. But please don't misunderstand my appreciation to the mothers that stepped up and adopted me for those particular weekends. One of those mothers is still in my mind more of a mother to me today then my own.
The seed was planted... "This is what my birthday looks like."
It didn't get much better as I grew older. I was still a girl scout, and we continued to go camping every year on my birthday. But thank god the mother daughter bonding event had passed. Thank god the jungle breakfast continued! One particular year the leaders of the particular tribe of girls threw a party... a BIRTHDAY PARTY!!! for another girl, whose birthday had been the previous week. I meekly spoke out, "Well TODAY in MY birthday." "Oh... Happy Birthday." The party continued in favor of the other girl.
The story continues and birthday's came and went. I had a handful of memorable ones. But mostly they pretty much sucked. As I grew older and "men" entered my life they got worse. Years in-between, I would schedule dentist appointments and eye doctor appointments just to not have to go to work on my day. Needles filled with novakane in the roof of your mouth... good way to spend a birthday. But at least I wasn't at work. Thirty... now thirty may have been the worst of all... and I had it planned out as the best yet.
At some point I began to rely on myself. I stopped depending on other people to make my day special, and I took the event into my own hands. THIS is MY DAY and DAMN IT... I'm going to do what I WANT to do! My husband didn't really understand this the first couple of years, and still doesn't, but he goes along with it for the most part. He asked me this year when I told him that I don't even want him to buy me ONE present why he can't plan a day for me. Well honey... this is the real reason. Because I want it to be happy.
Not only have I started to plan my own days, but I have let go of expectations. Honestly, this may be the first year I have successfully done that. Not to my surprise, John presented me with the fact that he would be working late on my birthday... the first day of the year he's working late adding to the fact that this just so happened last year as well. Thank you for that guys... So you see, if I were left to him planning, I'd be waiting for him at home only to find out he was coming home late. No thank you...
This year I woke up to find a rose and a card sitting on my computer. (Thank you honey.) Shortly after I found myself on the massage table under the hands of an amazing woman. I told her that I felt as though she were working the past year out of me. I felt as though it had just rained on a hot summer’s day and the steam was evaporating off of my back in layers. Layers of filth and grime, rising off, renewed, fresh. I so do love rain in the summertime...
This was followed by more pampering and then a coffee sitting in the sun. My most favorite crew was there and had even made a handmade card for me! And then the mall where I bought perfume... the only present I wanted, because I have a passion for perfume and scents that borders on neurosis. Surprisingly John met me there much earlier than anticipated. I had planned to bring my own party to him and his crew working late, but instead found the nice surprise of his arrival and company! YIPPEEE! There are more things that occurred, but it's not what's really important. What's important is the sheer happiness that just radiated from me bordering on cheese wiz. Spread me on a cracker baby, cuz it taste so good!
The other thing that shocked me were the amount of people who called me, left messages, texted me, emailed me, left comments and the handful of people that just made my day as I encounter them traveling from event to event. One of the best was from the daughter of a wonderful new friend in my life who broke out in song when she was told it was my birthday. Can you imagine?!? I was thinking about it a little while ago and wondered why I was so surprised by the abundance of love that came forth. I mean really, those who know me KNOW that I exude love for everyone, and I do mean every single person that exists, that I come in contact with, in such crazy abundance that it's almost unheard of and definitely not normal. I have this crazy love in me that exist that I can't explain, nor can I hold back, that's just there and seeps out of me reaching out to anyone it can come close to. So why can't I accept the love of others?
Why don't I expect people to be happy that it's my birthday? Why do I expect to be alone?
And then I saw into the eyes of that little girl. That awkward and skinny little girl with glasses and stringy mousey blond hair. The girl who never felt as though she was wanted or enough. The girl who was starved for love and acceptance. The girl whose emptiness reached so low. And as I looked into her eyes, those glasses too big for her face... I saw a reflection. I saw the reflection of the woman I am today. I saw my self. I saw that little girl looking into MY eyes and the love began to transfer back and forth.
And I realized today... that I am allowing myself to be loved for the first time.
And I want you all to know, all of you who have called me, emailed me, im'ed me, left comments, left the text messages... and of course the one who married me. All of you who have showed your love for me today on my birthday... have all helped to heal me in the deepest of ways.
It's the best present I've ever received.
Thank you.
Tuesday, May 13, 2008
It has been brought to my attention this morning that a neighbor of mine has found my blog. Dun dah dahhhhh...
It always amazed me the people who read my blog. I feel good when an old friend finds it and is interested in where I've been, what I've been up to. I feel the same way about them and am curious and anxious to fill in the blanks. But then there are the people that leave a big question mark in my mind like a branded scar burned onto my forehead. Old boyfriends, former employers and now... the neighbors. It's the ones who won't admit that they've read it, or search for their names on a constant basis as if I am really going to bring them forth in mind day by day. I see that they have left their trails like slugs through my rich garden, and it kind of creeps me out a little. I suppose it's the whole voyeuristic thing, looking into my "secrets." But really, if I put it up here... are they really so secrets?
John and I stopped by the local coffee shop this morning to find a small group of the "our ladies of Happy Valley" having coffee before their piles of laundry awaiting them at home or what-not. I like these ladies. A lot actually. I'm awaiting the day to buy the dollar candles at city hall in honor of each of them so I can line them up in a row, light them and kneel down to pay my respected homage.
The conversation was fast and words always seem to slip out when you speak too quickly. Things like,"Oh Nikole, Give me your blog. "So and so" read your blog, and I want to too." "He said that you gave it to him."
"So and so?" Why is "So and so" reading my blog? I gave it to him?!? No, he found it. Huh... Am I really THAT interesting?
And as these words slip out from time to time, I find that they are what is interesting because they always seem to come back to me, my words, this information about myself that they know from one source or another that started off in such innocent passing friendly conversation on sunny days when we all seem to be outside mowing our lawns, trimming our bushes. We have a grapevine of sorts in this neighborhood which starts at the deeply planted roots and ends up in a corked bottle of wine. For those of you who don't know, you don't want a corked bottle of wine. It's bad. Send it back.
Like the game of telephone, the message is always distorted. Apparently I have already published my book among many other things, I'm sure. That's fine. I don't take it too seriously. I'm just always amazed that I am somehow a topic of conversation during circles and gatherings, sometimes involving cards and too much gossip. Probably that corked bottle of wine too that should have been sent back. I read a good quote recently that said, "What you think of me is none of my business." I hold these words close to me as truth. And so I laugh and let it be what it is...
As a wise Zen master once said, "Is that so?"
But for those of you out there searching because I just don't give you enough to decide whether I'm worthy or not, acceptable to your standards, or just need something more interesting to talk about... this entry is for you.
What do you want to know? I'll tell you. Really, come on over and I'll open a GOOD bottle of wine, not corked. We can sit, talk and I will answer all of your questions for you until you are fully satisfied. I have many flaws and patches along with threads of sheer gold in my tattered wears, and I display it all proudly. I find my life rich, full and am constantly in the process of still becoming. And with this, I am also becoming more still.
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