So yesterday I had three gold fish in a tank.  One big blackie and two smaller...

I really like goldfish.  I want to paint them some day maybe.  Not the actual fish, but pictures of them.

And today, I looked in the tank... and now I only have two.

Where did the other fish go?

I just don't understand.

I keep going back and counting... one, two.

And it stops there.

Where's number three?

I'm going to go count again...

What do you want to know?  I'll tell you.  Really, come on over and I'll open a GOOD bottle of wine, not corked.  We can sit, talk and I will answer all of your questions for you until you are fully satisfied.  I have many flaws and patches along with threads of sheer gold in my tattered wears, and I display it all proudly.  I find my life rich, full and am constantly in the process of still becoming.  And with this, I am also becoming more still. 

Three weeks have passed.  Three very long weeks.  Before I get into the words that I WANT to write, I want to touch on my last entry because of the response that I got from writing it.  I see that I have many friends who care about me and love me, and I want to say that I am so grateful to you all!  But please... stop worrying.  I know that I give you enough reason too... but you ALL know that I've made it through worse and will continue to strive on for whatever reason... I'm just not done yet.

I want to explain that I wrote that last post because I don't feel that it's fair to write only about the good days.  I want to show my humanness and my own room for growth.  It wasn't written for any sort of pity or attention.  It was written simple to be honest and show my own vulnerability.  If I can't be honest with you, how can I expect the world to be honest with me?  Simply put... I am still in the process of creating the I that I am.

My depression.  I have come to two conclusions for my struggles over the past few weeks.  The first is that I had a bit of "downtime" meaning, I didn't have more on my plate than I could handle.  For whatever reason, having downtime makes me a little crazy.  And with the downtime I was left to my thoughts which were suddenly filled with doubt.  Never a good thing as realistic as it may be at times.  But at some time during the stirring about, I concluded that I was given the gift of time and said, "Oh... how nice."  I relaxed into it only to find that I was sick and unable to take advantage of it.  I'm still not certain as to why I became so sick.  Maybe my body just needed to stop, but on top of the pain and misery of being sick, I was unable to get anything done.  THIS is where my true misery was held.  You see, for the first time in my life... honestly, I want to DO things.  I am taking ME seriously.  I have this never ending list of projects that I want to complete, good amazing, creative things... and when I can't even turn on the television because it hurts too much, I get more than a little frustrated.  And so I let it out.  And apparently those of you who write me felt that.  I feel bad for that.  My frustration is not a pretty thing.  And I’m good at hiding it from most. 

There's this story of me as a baby girl, when my mother was still around.  Apparently I fell once trying to walk and that fear held me back from trying again.  I was content crawling around on four.  Much safer, much better.  My mother had taken me to my doctor's for a visit and explained the situation.  "She won't walk.  She's too afraid."  The doctor told my mother to go to the other side of the room and call me.  "Nikki.  Come here Nikki."  I tried to free myself as the doctor held my arms and me back.  This continued and my frustration mounted.  I began to scream and still, "Nikki, come to mama."  Finally the doctor let go and I ran to my mother’s arms.  I never crawled again after that.

I'm waiting again for the doctor to let me go.  I want to run.

With all of this said, it is so important for you to know and understand that my life has truly never been better than it is right now, right here today.  This is where the irony lies.  I truly LOVE my life.  Every day I am amazed at what new transpires right before me.  John and I are in the process of actually creating our lives as we want them to be, and it's amazing.  We have “put it out there” and are both now watching it all just come to us as if by some magical spell. 

I was looking back recently of the events of last year in relation to where I am today.  Last year, as we all know was a hard year.  It seemed as though ever door slammed on our hands with a loud bang for a no.  But throughout the duration of events that occurred, I never seemed to accept it.  I never walked away.  And if I did, I walked farther on down the road to find another solution.  I became a "can girl."  It wasn't until recently that I realized that I needed to go through that to be where and who I am today.  It's hard to go into this and I really wish that I could, but let me just say that for the first time in my life I believe in my abilities and am ready to succeed. 

As you know, over the last couple of months John and I have started a business.  It is in the beginning stages still, but it is moving very quickly.  It is so exciting that I can't even begin to explain how happy we are.  The meters are running past the red.  Just this week, I have seen a new level of happiness in John's eyes that I have never seen before.  THAT in itself makes me overflow.  I'm learning and growing and being stretched in so many ways.  I'm sore, but am anxious for more.  It's amazing how when things are pointed in the right direction how the doors open and flow flawlessly.  The only thing that I want to mention is that through this, another teacher has spontaneously appeared.  

I am very aware of when people enter my life, and I need to stop and listen.  Wilma, you were the first.  And just recently another has appeared.  And I feel intimidated and scared and excited and overjoyed by the opportunity and understanding that this is what we need to move on to the next level.  Moments come and I just want to go back to my simple little life, but I know that this will not push us further.

I heard recently that if you feel afraid of something; that if it makes you uncomfortable... to move into that because you're probably headed in the right direction.  And boy am I feeling a little uncomfortable these days.  In a conversation with my father today I said, “I feel as though we’re being lifted by some great bird who’s flying off with us while we’re in his claws dangling from above.”  He replied, “Ya, and you’re ass keeping hitting the pavement.”  Yes I’m red and sore, scraped up little baboon bottom, but a break is always stronger once it’s healed.

Life is good.  Not perfect, no but rich and filled with color.  I'm still working on getting it right, failing, some minor successes here and there, but constantly moving towards better.  I am excited for the future and enjoying now. 

I want to share with you a project of mine... still very new and a process in the works.  I realize that velveeta is written all over it, but it's mine, and I do so love cheese.  Since John and I are designing websites, I have created my own company of sorts.  Something that I envisioned for myself, name and all, back when I worked at the art store in NM when I was but a mere child stretching my limps towards independence.  It's really too early to share, but I don't care.  It's mine.  I love it.  I'm sharing it.  I really am not sure what this will turn out to be; if I will try to create an actually business around this or if it'll just be a place for me, but here it is for now.  http://www.aurainkcreative.com/  I'm planning on trying to focus on it this month that I turn 35 and get some content up there and use it as an inspiration to get moving in the direction that I so want to go.  With this said, my thirty something kinda life will be moving soon as well.  John has created this awesome CMS tool that I'm anxious to start using.

35.  Half way through my thirty something kinda life.  I can only imagine how the story will transpire.         

Life is kind of funny.  I say this a lot.  I say this in my current state knowing full well that I have somehow managed to dive head first into another depression, and also knowing that at any moment that it will all somehow disappear as if it never even existed.  I saw a glimpse of it last night… happiness, bliss.  It came on as fast as it disappeared.  Dancing in the middle of taco del mar to some mariachi band, I had to face up that I was indeed happy.  I woke up the next morning and it was gone as though mixed up in some memory of a dream. 

Manic, bi polar, simply depressed, hormonal.  I really don’t know; I really don’t care.   Many a discussion have been had even here of people, strangers even, telling me what is in fact wrong with me.   People enjoy telling each other what’s wrong with them.  It makes them feel better about themselves; helps them to put themselves in their proper places with their own proper labels, organizing their understandings of the world.  Boxes… always trying to fit into little boxes.  Safe it their little boxes with their small beliefs.  Closing the lid and occasionally peer out.  You can suffocate in a box like that.  Perhaps I’m just human with a soul who’s somehow more in touch with life’s purpose which doesn’t fit at all into life’s square hole.  Whatever the case, after nearly 35 years, I have come to accept my depression as a part of who I am… and I tend to get on with it. 

For the most part the waves are short lived.  I get a little down.   I see it and as I say, “get on with it,” ignoring it for the most part knowing full well that it won’t last very long.  Also knowing that once it’s gone I won’t remember it.  It’s a strange thing.  I mean, if what I’m actually saying is true, then is the depression a real thing?  At the time it may feel very real even as though it’s the end of the world… but then it’s gone.  ?  I don’t know.   

I have come to the conclusion that all emotions are something that we ourselves create.  We create reactions to things and event, what is deemed “good” or “bad.”  Life just is…  And continues to be whether we are “present” for it or not.  By present I speak of awareness. 

This time is has lasted almost two weeks.  I did have that brief moment last night, God it was good… and I will admit at attempting at happiness several times within this short span, but jesus!  Life just seems to keep knocking me down recently.  What’s with all the blows?  And am I somehow doing this to myself?  Am I choosing this?  Is this the reality that I am choosing to create?  And if so, STOP IT ALREADY!  ENOUGH!

To state briefly without harping on the “what’s” my health has been suffering.  I ended up having a five day migraine which is the longest yet.  I had lunch with a friend (one of the most important people in my life as a matter of fact) and during our visit I had the strangest neurological sensation occur.  It was almost as though my thoughts were there and very clear, but I lost all words.  Not only could I not think of the words, but they just were unable to come out of my mouth.  It was almost as though for brief moments… I was gone.  All I can say it that it was really fucked up.  It scared me.  I’ve also been down energy wise, sore, achy, miserable.  And then there’s just something not right about things.  I don’t know. 

But I do know that how I feel has a huge impact on my current mood.

On top of this, there is this long list of shit that has happened, as dad loves to say, like getting my first speeding ticket within three miles from the house, Brian the dog getting heat exhaustion and the visuals of that occurrence constantly replying in my mind, a handful of the cats getting sick and for once me not knowing what to do about it, and this list just continues to add onto itself.  I’m at that point where they’d tell me to “Let go and let god.”  Really… I let go, you take over because honestly I trust you more anyways.

The hardest thing about all of this is that I’m alone with it.  I’m always alone with it, as we truly all are.  I have learned this after many years… the hard way.  I’m still at it trying like mad to keep on keeping on… but here I am once again, struggling.  Struggling with my self, with me.  It’s so very interesting, how we struggle.  Why we choose it over happiness.  I read the most wonderful story recently that demonstrated this, and I wonder if I am choosing to learn its lesson.  Funny how we like to try things out once we discover them.  Like wisdom.  Reading a story that rings so true… now let’s see if you’ve master it.

No, not yet.

After getting my speeding ticket on the way to meet my oh so very good friend and soul sister, she told me that I was having a bad day, a rough morning.  I told her that it usually takes several things to go wrong before I finally come to the point and say, “You know, I think that I’m having a bad day.”  Well, I give in… I really think that I’m having a bad day.

And then …I wonder if I’m just afraid of too much happiness.

This is where you can find me. 

Time has always been one of those things that I struggle with.  I just don't "get it."  And as something that we have created that doesn't actually exist... I can understand why I don't get it.  Simply because it doesn't exist.  John on the other hand is someone who works well within the bounds of time.  He needs it to see where he's at and what to expect next.  He asks me, "How long do you think this will take you?"  And I usually answer, "?"  Luckily he has learned to be patient with me and grasp my own workings of where I fit into time.  Meaning... he has been around me long enough to answer his own question.

What confuses me is that some days an hour can feel like three and at others it's just a blip of an idea.  So really... how can you really tell?  Today I got a lot more done in an hour than yesterday.  Tomorrow, I don't know.  But yes, I know... it's one of those things that I need to accept and place the box around myself to fit into and work within our present society.  I've learned to give myself ample "time" to get anywhere and then some which results in a small gift of leftovers for me.  Yummy!

So once again time has passed and I am once again late with my updates.  I've gone through the struggle again of what to put up here, how much to reveal, conflicts with self and ego saying "why are you doing this?" Blah, blah, uninteresting.  Where's the dirt?!?

Actually there's a lot to tell which all involves time.  You see, we are presently four months into the New Year, blessed 2008.  Three months past, one month happening.  And during these few precious moments where I can sit still with myself, I go within and look.  "Where am I?  Where am I going?  Where have I been?"

Two years have passed since I first became ill.  I am still struggling with that.

A year has passed since we moved into the house... yes, more struggling.

All this avoided struggling, meaning I don't want to look at it. 

"What You Resist Persists.  What You Look at Disappears."

You cannot resist something to which you grant no reality. The act of resisting a thing is the act of granting it life. When you resist an energy, you place it there. The more you resist, the more you make it real - whatever it is you are resisting.

What you open your eyes and look at disappears, that is, it ceases to hold its illusory form.

If you look at something - truly look at it - you will see right through it, and right through any illusion it holds for you, leaving nothing but ultimate reality in your sight. In the face of ultimate reality your puny illusion has no power. It cannot long hold you in its weakening grip. You see the truth of it, and the truth sets you free.

~Neal Donald Walsh

Interesting enough.  Maybe it's time to look at things a little differently.

Time passes, and at moments it feels as though it's a constant tide ebbing in flow.  Along with the ocean rising falling, coming in receding, but remaining as it is... the ocean.  

And then I begin to look a little closer.  "What is this??"  I begin to see the inevitable change which is the one constant in life.  My life has begun to change.  The process has begun.  Ideas, formed into concepts by words, formed into fruition by action.  Life is once again evolving.

And so I want to share with you that John and I have begun another company, Diesel Web Productions.  And I find that I am spending more and more time behind my desk in my room, my small space in the world that is through and through me.  We are currently working with our first clients and are currently talking with others in hopes of building new relationships.  Our firsts client's site is scheduled to launch come May 1st here. It has been simply put... good.  An amazing occurrence that more or less came about with its own energy and driving source.  I am filled with excitement to just see where this road is leading.  Every day feels like Christmas.

I feel as though for the first time in my life, I am beginning to create the life that I want.  I am becoming the person that I want to be.  And this in itself feels amazing.  I mean really... who would have thought that we actually have this option and these choices?  But we all do.  We all can choose to live the life’s we desire.  And through this, by expressing the selves that we choose to be, we find happiness, abundance and a connection with something much larger than we are.

Who is it that I want to be?

When I was younger, I used to say things to myself such as "I want to live a creative life.  I want to affect people at large.  I want to live my life in simple protest, to be an example of sorts, of love.  I want my life to be my work."  And strangely enough... these words are forming into ways and truth.

I am currently working hard at writing this book.  I have joined a wonderful group of women writers to help motivate me and keep my task at hand. 

I am a graphic designer, taking my artistic abilities and passion for good design producing things that make my heart sing.

I am on a board with the city helping to divert troubled youth back and to help them achieve their goals.

I am a loving wife and friend to oh so many wonderful creatures which share space with us.

I am a friend, to so many wonder filled souls out there that have opened their hearts to me as I have them.

And this is just the tip of my own abundance. 

And with all of this which fill my hands as I gently hold this abundance and smile down on with such gratitude... I am filled with happiness. 

And I say, can it possible get any better than this?