It's been a long while since I focused on my health.  A blurb here or there yes, but I haven't really wanted to talk much about it because of all the frustration.  I am incredibly unhappy with both the medical profession in general and medical insurance as well.  As I stated in the previous post, when I start to talk about these things, especially combined, a lot of words daddy would rather I not use come out.  So please be patient and bear with me.

I did write one quick entry back in January and immediate deleted it.  I was exhausted from the anger and by the end, it just wasn't worth it.  Basically what had happened was that I got sick again, pretty bad.  Not only was I incredibly flu-ish, but I had that awful pain in my chest.  Again... So John and I went to the urgent care where the urgent care doctor told me straight out that I had never had mono, my liver never blew up (enlarged in size to the point that it was touching my spleen) and proceeded to hand me antacids without looking at me or doing any tests what-so-ever.  When John asked her, "What about her flu."  She proceeded to tell both of us,” Don’t take advil."  I told her that I basically lived on advil cold and sinus because of my allergies and she repeated, "Don't take advil."  I asked what about my allergies... "Don't take advil." 

So we leave and John is yippeeeeing because I've been healthy all along, and me... well, I'm pissed beyond BEYOND.  I mean really... WTF!!!???!!! 

So I found a new doctor... we ordered all of the same test and found the results that yes, I had mono and yes I still had the gall stones which have increased in size.  I am told that the mono has passed and that with some people it turns into chronic fatgigue and that I will feel this way, bad, for a year or so.  Yippeeeee.

I also ordered a copy of all of my medical records for myself from this place I will not return to and sat down and read that I DID INDEED HAVE MONO and MY LIVER WAS ENLARGED along with the gall stones, kidney stones and all the rest of the bullshit they found.  And then there was this doctor’s report saying "Patient believed to have mono and believed liver was enlarged with no medical backing."  I READ MY FUCKING CHART MYSELF PEOPLE!!!  CAN YOU NOT READ A FUCKING MEDICAL RECORD YOURSELF!?!  GO BACK TO KINDERGADEN AND START OVER!  DO NOT PASS GO...  DO NOT COLLECT ANY MONEY... JUST SIT THERE UNTIL YOU LEARN, this time, HOW TO FUCKING READ!!!

Ok...  I need to calm down.  See, I told you.  Sailor mouth.  It comes out.  You see...I'm a little upset.  (note to someone who reads this and yes I know you read this... yes, I was actually being very gentle when I wrote about you.)

So I seem to be back on track with this new doctor who freaks out about my gall bladder and tells me to come in tomorrow, but when I come in we determine that we'll "just monitor it."  So ok, no operation there... I am ok with this.

Also, a mention about the ear nose and throat doctor...  Well, I go to see him after we buy the new house and apparently I can breathe now.  A combination of allergy shots and a new house has more or less cured me.  I actually started to breathe again a week after we moved into the new house.  Go figure.  No need for that operation either, SUPER!  Well, until April came and everything started to bloom.  I go to the allergist who I have accumulated an enormous bill with because Providence won't cover ANY of it and say, "I can't breathe."  Well, the nurse says, "You must be allergic to trees.  Well, we never tested you for pollen."  Again...  !!!???!!!  THIS IS OREGON PEOPLE!!!  THINGS BLOOM HERE!!!  THERE'S A LOT OF POLLEN TO BE HAD!  And this is months after the doctor originally told me I would be down to once a month by now.  I was still going every other week.  The had told me the past four times, we're going to get you down to every three weeks.  When I would ask the following visit, I'd get a "no not yet, maybe next time."  Well a few hundred dollars later...  The nurse said that she would have the doctor call me, which he never did, (of course) and I never went back.  I'd have to start from the very beginning with every week by adding trees to the potion.  And GOOD GOD we just can't afford this never ending bullshit when it was only supposed to be a few months.  Needless to say, as far as my allergies go... I'm dying.  Well, struggling big time.  Loading up on cold meds until this new doctor can see me to ok the fact that I need to see an allergist.  By that time the blooming season will be over.

So back to the doctor.  Well, It's March and John and I are moving and working on the other house to get it ready to sell, and I am more physically active than I've been in a year.  The pain came back.  My doctor said if you feel pain, call me immediately.  I call.  I talk my doctor’s nurse who is evaluating my situation.  She says, "If it gets worse, go to the emergency room."  I say, "ok" and make an appointment to come in to see a this other head nurse person or something because my new doctor is out of the office the next day.  I go in with John.  The nurse sits me down, we talk and then she offers me antacids.  John and I look at each other and just start laughing.  This nurse tells me, "Everyone has gall stones.  It's no big deal."  THEN WHY THE FUCK DID MY DOCTOR CALL ME FOR AN EMERGENCY APPOINTMENT TO DISCUSS THEM IN THE FIRST PLACE!!! 

Ok... calm down...

What really broke the straw on the camels back... where DID that saying come from anyways?  was the last time that I went to pick up my migraine medicine.  You see, I've stopped getting my shots, things are blooming, and I’m getting migraines, right?  Well, I go to hand over my $40.00 and she says $158.00 or some God awful amount like that.  WTF!?!  Well Providence has somehow CHANGED things on me that I now have to meet some $800.00 prescription deductible.  Now how does something like that just happen?!?  I had this prescription refilled just what... two months ago?!? 

So I gave up.  Fuck them all is what I say.  John and I switched to Kaiser who is what his work offers.  Now I have heard dreadful stories about Kaiser.  Dreadful to the point that I am freaking out here, but really?!?  Can it get any worse than this? 

The one thing that Kaiser offers that I do like, so far, is alternative healthcare coverage.  I have always been interested in alternative healthcare, but have never looked too deeply into it.  I never felt that I had the recourses to do so.  But today, I had my first appointment with a naturopath / acupuncturist (Thank you Wendy!!!)  and I have to say that I'm hopeful.

The doctor said to me things like, "my God, I can't believe that they haven't removed your gall bladder yet."  and "Well, it's obvious that you've received inadequate, inconsistent health care." 

Yes! Yes!!! Please help me.

And so tomorrow I start a five day eating journal, a ten minute a day exercise routine or walking around the block, a bottle of something for chronic fatigue (the mono has turned into this) and a bottle of something for allergies, yes, I've found a primary care physician who will see me the end of July (!?!) and next week we will discuss all of this and move forward with pins to start to balance me the fuck out. 

Well talking about exercise and my eating habits just seems to makes sense to me.  And a bottle of chinese herbs to help with chronic fatigue?!?  Well western medicine just tells you to deal with it.  I'll do it, anything... protein sakes every morning?  I really don't care what it is... I just need to know exactly that.  What is it?  What is it that will get me back on track to living my life? 

Oh ya, btw... she said to get back on the birth control.  My body apparently doesn't have the energy and strength to carry any little nikk's for now.  But that wasn't supposed to come out.  I sure hope that it's not too late. 

And so as you all know by now, John and I have moved into and have more or less settled into this amazing house of ours that we absolutely love, and we are slowly but surely falling into our routine, some of which is old, some new.  For the most part, our life is good... very, very good.  I think that we can both agree that we have never been happier and are both enormously grateful for each other and our lives.  Life is good.  More good than not, and because of that there are no complaints.  Complaints no, but there are still struggles.  Life is nothing but struggles and obstacles to overcome, and God knows that I have had my share and will continue to have, I'm sure, throughout the rest of my life.

I'm not certain if I have stated the fact or not, but part of buying this house and making this particular commitment was accepting the fact that I was not going to return to PNCA.  (The Pacific Northwest College of Art where I was attending school on and off for the past two years.)  I can't say that this is a forever thing, but for the time being, our financial situation is focused on maintaining this new house of ours and getting ourselves "back on track" whatever that means.  I made this choice knowing full well the consequences.  I made this choice based on the fact that every semester that I attended, I got sick... really, really sick in the end.  This to me was a sign.  After dropping out twice and several thousand dollars later, I still do not have my degree.  And the fact that I won't be returning this coming fall does not sit all that well with me. 

You see, my dream for many years was to teach art.  I want to teach art.  I LOVE ART.  And I still hold these passions within.  While unpacking my room, my studio and touching all of my supplies, my paints, my brushes while smelling the gamasol and turpentine... I was dizzy with excitement.  I have surrounded myself in the art world in some sort for years.  I KNOW this world.  I KNOW the language.  I KNOW it like a reoccurring dream of home which is not actually my home in my waking life, but oh so familiar every time I lay my head on my pillow and fall back into it, sleep... I am there. 

And so once again, I have let go of this dream.  THIS is also a reoccurring theme in my life.  For some reason I have let go of art one too many times in my life for many different reasons.  Like a one-sided relationship, it keeps running away from me... slipping through my fingers. 

And at these times I ask why.

And I fight internally between what I want in life and believing and trusting that there is somewhere that I am supposed to be, somewhere better that I haven't found just yet.    

I haven't talked about my health in a long while because I am frustrated with doctors and insurance beyond words.  If I open my mouth to discuss it I can only say things like, "piss."  But to get to the point, I am now going through chronic fatigue from the chronic mono.  I have a handful of good days and then I crash.  I'm tired most of the time.  Exhausted at points where I just need to stop and sleep.  It's frustrating, but this is where I'm at.  The doctor said that I can look forward to a year of this of which three months have already passed.  A years nothing in the relation to the rest of my life, so I'll humbly subside and deal.  I was told once that "I make the most of what I got." and I liked that.  I took pride in that and I claimed it as my own.

And so there's a lot, and I do mean A LOT... of good, and then there is the exhaustion, the fact that I won't be returning to PNCA, and this fact that I am now 34 (Happy Birthday to me!) and I have yet to say that I have made a career for myself.  THIS bugs me as well. 

I have been incredibly busy since the move, even before the move.  As a matter of fact I haven't STOPPED moving since I dropped out of school and GOOD GOD was I moving then!!!  And THIS amazes me!  The fact that I haven't slowed down, that is.  I am so freaking busy from day to day, and I can't explain it for the life of me!  I mean come on.  I don't work.  And yet, my days are filled.  And I continue to push myself.  Recently it's been the house, unpacking, making a home, dealing with the other house, calling people, for instance I'm now looking into landscapers to help out with the other house or the heating guy who I am FINALLY done with or our realtor, blah, blah, blah...  I have these lists of people to contact and it never seems to end or things to do or the doctor hopping.  One day I stopped to see three different doctors’ offices.  All in one day.  Ridiculous!  I'm not looking for sympathy.  I don't need or want it.  I'm just sharing my amazement because I KNOW that if I were working fulltime that I would STILL need to take care of all of this crap, and sometimes I do think that it's just that...crap.  And work?  Life and people amaze me.  I am truly convinced that it's all a ploy to keep us controlled.  All of this nonsense busy work to keep us busy and to keep us from thinking on our own and then its easy to just vote for the current asshole in favor or not so and believe the bullshit in the news because we're too busy filling up our carts at Costco because what is really important in life is a lifetime supply of nachos because we're just too tired to figure it out on our own. 

Boy, I'm on a roll tonight...

And so I realized something about myself this past week. 

I am a housewife.  Right now, I truly am, and I have to say that it's pretty much a fulltime job as stated above.  I have actually become pretty good at it, and somewhat enjoy keeping a home, but you know... I go around and make comments like, "Oh my god, LOOK!!! I'm such a fucking housewife." like it's a bad thing.  And I started to wonder... what is it that makes me feel so low and unworthy of being "just" a housewife.  What is this?!?  Especially when I am actually ENJOYING and taking PRIDE is making such an awesome home for the ones that I love most.  Curious...

Well, there's the whole feminist thing that I don't even WANT to touch right now.  And the fear of financial codependence which has really hurt me in the past, but I think that this one actually runs a lot deeper.  This one reaches my childhood and family.  You see, education was HIGHLY stressed in my family.  More than education was intelligence.  And lucky for me, I've got a lot of it.  I know it, and am damn proud of it at this point in my life.  THAT took some time as well.  I can still hear my aunt and uncle say to me back when I was sixteen, "Looks and cuteness will only take you so far in life.  What you need is intelligence.  Intelligence will take you where you need to be."  Well, luckily I haven't lost the cuteness just yet, so I still got a couple of coins to spend in my pocket.  But where exactly IS it that I "need to be?"  And how does intelligence "get me there?"  THESE are the questions that I am seeking answers to these days. 

What I realized though is that I was never taught the value of... oh how can I put this... Well, I didn't have a mother growing up.  And my only representative of a housewife, although she worked, was my aunt betty and I have to say she did kept an awesome home, as I'm sure that she still does.  But no one ever stressed THESE as values, and somewhere in me I just don't see these as values.  As a matter of fact, I think that it was actually talked down about that she had such a clean home.  And so I undermine my life at times.  My current life that is.  And that's just not ok.  (Side note: I am a bit obsessive compulsive about a clean house.  Go figure.) 

And of course I tend to forget or neglect that I'm still dealing with these health issues.

But I do value my intelligence.  I have also realized that the one thing that I have excelled at is school.  I LOVE SCHOOL.  Since my return I have attended classes at three different colleges and Universities and have become almost obsessive with just being in school.  I love to learn.  I love to be pushed.  I love it when a professor tells ME that I have written the most fully developed paper in the class.  (Maybe I should look at THAT closer...)  I am valued as a student.  I am told that I am an asset to the class.  I have found confidence here.  Along with many other things.  I love when I'm learning so much and pushing myself so hard that my I can literally feel it burning into my brain like a circuit city of lights.  New idea zapping through mapping its way to be forgotten by the next semester.  Stimulation, STIMULATION... I NEED   TO BE STIMULATED!!!   

And so there's the art, and my job as a housewife, school...and then there's this book that I'm writing.  Well, that I often think about writing.  The book went on hold for awhile while we were moving.  I can't explain why because it would just come out as an excuse.  Too much clutter in the mind to focus on ME.  Which is a surprisingly common thing for most people.  Women more often than men. 

My father used to tell me, "You should be a writer."  As a matter of fact, after he reads this, he will probably tell me, "You know, you really should be a writer."  Yes, writer, words, words...   Honestly, I love words.  I love words and how they come together and flow like the blood flows through my veins, pulsating, bringing forth life.  I am passionate about words, and I know... I am good with words.  I will put it out there and be honest that I probably love words more so than art.  THERE.  I said it.  I LOVE my books and will sit with them, in front of them and pay homage to them for hours; I love the smell of a bookstore.  I love to pick books up and touch them, open them and smell the ink the pages worn with time, the paper.  And words aren't quite as messy as paints or ink... so I can be dressed up while I write them.  Yes, we all have our priorities.  I too, have mine. 

And so I've started this book... and at times I think that it's pretty good.  At times... I just don't know, But GOOD GOD!!!  If it's half as decent as most of the things I pick up these days, it's got to be worth something.  But in all honesty, (my favorite phrase, have you noticed) I'm just afraid.  I'm afraid to be in this new world.  This new arena of unfamiliar territory.  Standing solo in the center, all eyes anticipating, and like a bad dream, not only am I naked, but I don't know what to do.  I must have forgotten my script, or forgotten to memorize my lines, and I'm standing there waiting for it to happen.  Willing for it to happen.  What if it doesn't ever happen?  What if, what if?!?  WHEN IS IT GOING TO HAPPEN!?!

All that I want is to reach my potential, my full potential.  I know the ability that lies within me.  I see it and YES I believe in it.  My husband is probably the first who truly believes in me.  Sometimes I think that John believes in me more than he does himself.  Did I mention the fact that my entire life I was given two messages?  "You can do and achieve anything you want in this world."  Right next to, "You can't do that!"  So what do you do with something like that?  I have all of the confidence in the world and at the same time, don't think that any of it is possible.  And I believe both of these whole heartedly.  You wonder why I'm such a contradiction. 

So what do you do?  I just don't know. 

I go to sleep and wake up tomorrow facing the same demons that great me every morning.  I can, I can't.  The word has become the sound of nails on a chalkboard to me.  I'll wake up tomorrow with hopes that I don't freeze.  Mental and emotional freeze that is.  I'll wake up in hopes that I will somehow manage to move one step, that's all I ask for, is one step further.  One step up the ladder of my so called life with no steps back.  Even the tiniest of steps is movement.  And movement is energy.  Energy...    Energy is life.

And so these are my battles these days.  This is what fills my head in-between laundry and taking the dogs outside.  These are the thoughts that I think as I do the mindless task that fill my days.  These are the thoughts that fill my head as I wake and continue to be here at 2:00 in the morning as I close my laptop and finally go to sleep.

Playing...

Relaxing...

Prada Doe wanting to play

Mochi MoMo trying too