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 Tuesday, September 30, 2008
As I quoted earlier, “it’s been the best of times, it’s been the worst of times.” I’ve been talking a lot about the worst of times given the current state of affairs, not sharing much of the best. But I do have to say that the SNL opening still has me chucklin’ and can chalk it up to one of the funniest moments (or skits) of the year.
So onto some good… I think that we can all use a little light shining over us these days. And I encourage you to add your own stories of what amazing things are happening in your life today. Comment, and I’ll post them all as a page unto itself. Let’s call it, “Remembering The Good Days.” Or something more creative once I’ve woken up and had my morning cup of life.
During this past summer, amidst the calamity, I sought out guidance and direction. You see, I am in the middle of many, many projects, business plans, businesses themselves that seem to be coming to me more rapidly than advertisements filling up my inbox. Ideas come at me one moment, and the passion for them follows. But with this I have this old habit creaking beside, reminding me that I don’t know how to finish things. I don’t see things through. And that old creaking ghost tends to drag me down at times. Because you see, this is honestly the first time in my life that I have held this much passion and ambition for ANYTHING in my life. ANYTHING. And I want to see these things through to completion.
So I found a coach. A life coach. Someone to help me rethink some old ways, someone to help me organize my time, and the big one… someone to help hold me accountable for my own goals. Someone to help me fulfill my own dreams.
I’ve done my homework and read up about the positive aspects of hiring a life coach and sat with it all until I was ready and comfortable to actually commit. I found one, and I (of course) love her.
I started seeing her in August and things began to change. My life, our life… started to come together in amazing incredible ways. I was taking steps forward, even if it were only small steps. It was still forward, rather than standing still with aspiration and ambition seeping from my seems. Things were going smooth up until the past two weeks.
And then there’s my health. It’s been over two and a half years now that I’ve been sick, and I have to say… this is the number one factor holding me back. The past two weeks I haven’t moved forward an inch.
A month ago I sat down with my coach and she asked me, “What is the number one thing holding you back from achieving your goals?”
I answered, “My health, of course.”
She then asked me, “Well is there some reason that you’re holding onto your current health conditions, or are you ready for your healing?”
And she had me really sit with this question.
I sat, and thought…
I thought about where I was two and a half years ago when I got sick, and where I was now. I traveled down that road in my mind reliving it all. And I walked down the path of how the sickness somehow brought me to be this person so wanting to succeed and fulfill these dreams… to a person who for whatever reason fights and doesn’t give in or up… to a person who will not become a victim of circumstance, but instead will find a way through the murk and transform the dirty waters into something awe inspiring and beautiful.
And I answered, “I’m ready.”
And so she gave me an assignment. She asked me to go home and to find a book on chronic fatigue syndrome and natural healing. To look for the one that really spoke to me and to read that one.
“You never know, this may bring you to the one that can heal you.”
And so I went home, gather my computer and curled up in bed and started to search out what they had on Amazon as far as books on chronic fatigue. Five pages worth. Five pages to go through and select from “the one that really spoke to me.”
I went through the first two pages, and stopped on the third.
“This is it.”
And as I never trust my instincts, went onto the next.
“Why am I doing this? I found the one. Why don’t I ever trust myself?” I questioned as I went back to the third page.
I found the book and clicked on it, and began to read.
I found that the book was written by a naturopath who practices here in Portland, Oregon.
I mean… she wrote the book. Literally. On Chronic Fatigue Syndrome.
I found that I was in some sort of shock. What were the chances?
On my next visit to my coach, I told her, and of course she encouraged me to call her office and ask “the questions.”
I didn’t call. I was too afraid. Too afraid to walk down that path again of thousands of dollars going out the door for no relieve or cure… no change. The time and energy wasted, the failed sense of hope. Afraid to even pick up the phone.
“Ok, so when are you going to call?”
“Tomorrow. I’ll call tomorrow.”
“OK Great! Would you mind emailing me after you call her? I’m really curious what she has to say.”
Damn her. She’s good… really good.
“Ok. I’ll do that.”
I called. I called and I instantly fell in love. I instantly felt safe and cared for. I knew that I was on the right path towards my healing.
I go for my first appointment tomorrow.
And I’m filled with fear.
Fear of disappointment, fear of the thought of no cure, fear that this is my last hope.
But wait a second… what was that last word that I just typed?
Hope.
Even if it’s my last… I must still have it.
And to continue my theme of “things are not always as though they seem.” My intention for seeking out a coach was for completing some projects. But it looks as though what I really needed was direction on my healing.
Because as she said, “If you’re feeling good, then even as you said… none of this is a problem. So what are you waiting for?”
Thank you for that. Again and again… thank you.
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