And so I feel the need to share a little of myself, a little more than usual with you.  You all know by now that I love animlas, and I absolutely love cats and kittens.  Well, yesterday I went to the humane society to pick up yet another kitten. 

I am so going to be in trouble when my dad reads this...  Almost 34 and I still get in trouble.

I need to first let you know that within the past four months John and I had to let go of two of our cats.  This was most difficult for both of us, but a conclusion and decision that we had to make.  We made the first decision at the beginning of the year with one of my oldest cats "Little" aka Bamboo Chicken Noodle.  If I were to tell you the amazing things about this cat, you wouldn't believe, but over the past couple years something with him turned and he not only began to spray EVERYWHERE in the house, but also began to terrorize some of the other cats.  We made the decision before we found this new house to find a new home for him, and it seemed as though this decision fell into place with us finding the house.  Little was not happy with us anymore and we needed to understand, respect and honor that.  I did the best that I could for him, and now it was time for him to find somewhere where he could be happy.  Unfortunately, this story doen't end happily ever after.  He was adopted and then returned after a month back to the Humane Society.  I am putting good energy out to the universe that he finds that loving home that he so needs and deserves.

We let Tinkie go about a month ago.  He was peeing on the heating vents in the new house and other various places.  Let's just say that when the heat did actually go on, I wasn't all that excited about the odor it gave off.  This encouraged other cats to pee where he did as well.  Tink also started terrorizing the other cats.  This story ended happily because Tink was adopted within two days. 

Something happened with Little that affected many of our cats.  Competition started, a hierarchy developed and our house was literally being destroyed.  We couldn't keep up.  The pee is one thing, but keeping everyone safe and happy is another.  With so many animals, it's important to keep and maintain a working, healthy and happy environment for us and all of them.  This, unfortunately, is not always possible. 

It was hard.  I cried. I nearly vomit.  I still obsessed and checked on them daily through the web.  

Things have balanced out at home for the most part.  We still have a couple problems yet to be completely solved.  Little has left his mark (in more ways than one) and we are still seeing affects of it.  But at least I have become an expert at removing pee even from heating vents.    

We were down to seven and I put it out there.  Tell me that The Secret doesn't work.  I told John, the only way that I would get another cat is if I found a siamese kitten.  We already established no more males, so it had to be a female.  And then I found her...

I didn't expect it to be so soon, but as the secret explains, the universe doesn't comprehend time.  I found her on the Humane Society Website.  She looked horriblely pathetic and my heart ached for her.  

I continued to go back to the site to see if Little was adopted yet, and to check on this kitten and yesterday they had a new picture of her. 

And you see... I had to go and get her.  I knew that she needed out of there.  NOW.  And so John and I shared words back and forth, and finally after agreeing to sign a contract with him about no more pets, I went. 

When I got there I couldn't find her.  I found someone and said "Where's Reeses?"  That's what they called her.

The girl set me up in a room and went to find her.  She was put "away" because of the condition she was in.  She's was one sick little baby, completely stressed out and hid behind the bench in the small room with her eyes running like faucets, her nose dripping continuously and fur coming off of her every which way.  She hissed when I tried to touch her.  She hissed when I looked at her.  She dripped from everywhere, threw fur into the air like a wind storm was hitting her and hissed all the while.  I sat there quietly in the room on the cold floor with her behind the bench until the girl came in again.  And we talked...

This kitty was found a stray and brought in covered with fleas.  On top of a new environment of a cold metal box for a home, they threw her into an operation to spay her.  She was so absolutely stressed out that she has made herself sick.  The lady said to me, "The first thing this cat needs is to get out of this place."  I instantly responded "I know this.  That's why I'm here."  More than an hour later after questioning because of our other cats that we let go, I took her home.  I simply said, "Look, I try my best to give these guys a good home.  I'd take them all if I could.  Sometimes it just doesn't work out."

So I brought the little one home and set her up in our "to be gym and someday nursery."  She wouldn't eat or drink.  She just curled up in a ball frozen. 

Now the one thing that I need for you to know is that I wasn't all excited about a new kitty like you may expect.  In fact it's the exact opposite.  I am and was completely stressed out by it.  Just as things are starting to settle for John and I, I find this kitten and this kitten is going to take and lot of patience and work.  I know how to do this.  I'm very good at this, I know, but I get all wierd and fuzzy headed during the first couple of days with it.  Sometimes even weeks.  And when one stress comes out, all of the maintained stresses emerge sending me into fits which eventual lead to me lashing out at my husband because Ami took my straw while I was getting ready for bed (again) and he just sat there reading and let it happen totally oblivious.  (Sorry honey...) I was in the wrong, I know, and I apologized shortly after.  

Day two...

We had given her a little pain medication left over from Iki's operation (she was spayed) to help her sleep the night before.  I think that it helped.  Her eyes weren't running as much and her nose had stopped dripping.  There is still obvious congestion, but we are hoping for the best. And she still hissed at first when I tried to touch her.  I made a new batch of chicken soup / broth because John unknowingly discarded the batch I made the day before.  I am now feeding the kitten by eye dropper because she will not move from the safe space I created for her and will not eat on her own.  She has even pee'd in her bed which is understandable and acceptable with her being so stressed out.  Throughout the day I go into her room and touch her, hold her and massage her in attempts to help break up the mucus.  I ignore the hissing at first touch.  I wipe her eyes and nose and feed her by eyedropper.  By late afternoon she starts to respond a little and is accepting the water more freely.  By late afternoon she goes from a tense stance to stretching her legs out a bit, still tense, but laying down beside me.  This evening... I gave her more water and she got up on her own and went to the food dish and sniffed.  I went to get her some wetfood.  When I came back I saw that she was eatting some of the chicken that I had made earlier.  I gave her the wetfood which she ate with me there, and the she went to the water and drank heavily on her own.  I fixed her bed up for her, and she again went to her safe space.  

I am so freaking happy with the huge amount of progress made today.  I am so happy and proud.

And I wanted to share. 

I want to cry... 

I want to cry because this is so difficult for me.  It is so hard sometimes, and the pain in my chest tonight is tight and heavy.  I want to cry for this new baby of ours.  I want to cry for Little who I spent time with while I waited for them to make their decisions and judgements about me.  I want to cry for all of the cats that I spent too much time with while circling the area who looked unhealthy and scared or hopeful that I was the one or those that didn't want to be bothered or touched at all.  I've been told my entire life that I can't save the world.  But maybe, just maybe I can help one... yes, one at a time.

I want to share with you because you all hear about the joys of us getting a new friend, but I don't think that you know or understand the painstakingly, heart breaking amounts of love and patience given out at times to these little creatures to help them survive and thrive.  Most people want a pet like they go and buy a new toy.  People want pets to entertain THEM.  I find the ones, those particular ones and give them a chance.  I find the problem babies that hiss and take fits and growl because they're under fed or sick and I spend time with them.   I help build their confidence.  I help heal them and give them a safe space to be who and what they are.  I don't expect them to be perfect little beings and abide by all my rules.  Yes, there are some rules...  But I do expect them to be allowed to be whoever they are and whatever that is, that ok. 

So this new precious little ball of fur is going to take a lot of time and patience.  She sick and she's oh so afraid.  But just like people, she just needs a little time, acceptance and most importantly... love.

I love you baby girl...  As my heart breaks again and again, I love you.